I’ve been feeling vulnerable lately. Run down. Depressed. Sad.
My daughter went back to school. More than just school. FULL TIME school. I had no idea it would affect me this bad.
Before I was called to be a stay-at-home parent, I never dreamt of being one myself. I had once imagined myself becoming my father: a successful businessman with oodles of money and “stuff” to prove it. Thank God I didn’t amount to what my father became.
I bawled the night before my daughter went to school when I thought I would rejoice at the freedom. It was at that moment that I realized I would miss her. I would miss the times we had together.
Times were changing.
In amongst all the trials and tribulations and angst that goes along with being the one who your child spends probably 70% of their time with, I still desired to be there with her.
But I know I have to continue to let go. I have to give up control.
In the first few weeks of school I was finding myself distant, somewhat angry and irritable. I was happy with the input that my daughter was getting at school but subconsciously angry that I couldn’t find my place in my world that has now lost what it’s soul purpose was: to watch over my daughter with eagle vision. I was to protect her with all of my being and know that if something happened it was on my clock.
As school has continued to pass by, I haven’t been able to harness my emotions. I feel continually lost as to where I belong. Am I no longer needed? What is my identitiy now?
Slowly, things seemed to get worse. I won’t go into details but life has been rugged. Life has also been hard outside of my own little problems.
I’ve never lost faith but I did lose momentum.
Perhaps the cherry on the top of my “mountain” of issues was that my daughter came down with croup a day before my wife was leaving on a girl’s trip for a couple nights. Amongst everything that was happening, this was perhaps an indication that God did not care about me. That He simply desired nothing more than to see me suffer for the sins of my past.
Although, It has come to light that perhaps, in amongst the hardest moments, I am only experiencing God’s mercy in disguise.
I woke this morning in dread. My wife was leaving, my child had been up and down all night with a barking cough and I hadn’t really slept well in several days (amongst other unmentionables).
Unbeknownst to me at the time, God’s mercies were present because as I sit here now, this has perhaps been one of the best days I’ve had with my daughter that I can remember. Today we have spent endless time together and enjoyed each other’s company immensily.
I needed that. I needed to know that the flesh and blood that I helped create is indeed still in love with me. She loves me and I felt it today. Perhaps, sometimes, sickness in the flesh of those we love helps show us how to love unconditionally once again.
Perhaps, the moments in our life that are the hardest, are an indication of better things to come or, as the title of this post indicates, are God’s mercies in disguise.